matt's Journal

I cant stand it here...
I dunno what i am gonna do. I hate this place but love it at the same time. i want to do somthing but at the same time i dont want to do anything. I am just tired of being depressed 24/7. its getting very very old and annoying. I need to be around people with an excitement for life again. Life seemed so limitless and fun when i was around people like ashley and stylz. now everyone i am around has given up on life it seems. and its just depressing. this place is soo depressing. it make me want to give up somtimes to.
Matt

Current Mood: depressed

I fuckin HATE COKE
Coke took a really nice caring girl that i loved very much and turned her into a selfish bitch who only cared about herself and partying. I fuckin loved ahslee. I loved her alot. I would have given her the world. But then she had to go and be totaly disrespectful and self centered. not to mention getting high at least 3 times a week, doin coke, smokin crack with bikers and telling my friends about it and making them not tell me. Most definately cheating on me and planning to move out behind my back. and i am still tryin to figure out what the hell i did to deserve it all. I am a nice sweet guy. I dont like to make people feel bad i dont like to be a pain in some ones ass. I mean i let her move in when i didnt have to i put gas in her truck when i didnt have to i bought her food when i didnt have to I did so much stuff when i didnt have to, and what did she give me? Lies, false hope, empty promises, fake i love yous. I just dont understand it. she was not the ashlee i knew before. she was totaly and completely self obsorbed. I fuckin hate coke. dumbest fuckin drug. it changes people. It makes them not care. coke heads disagree. but i know a good number of people now who used to do coke and quit. and they all agree with me. it changes people for the bad. I hope things are goin better for everyone else then they are for me. things arent horrible. I just came down here with high hopes.
Matt

HAPPY NEW YEAR HA HA
Wooo man i drank ALOT. 15 shots of crown royal and sky vodka. was really really really drunk last night. didnt throw up though. and i dont really have a hang over today. But lastnight was FUN ha ha. well anyways hope everyone is feeling ok. 4 more days ha ha yeah.
Matt

Current Mood: excited

WOOHOO
Ok well all my problems were solved by one phone call. Thanks sooo much dad. So now all i have to do is wait for the 5th. this is gonna be a long ass wait ha ha. I am takin her home with me, all dressed in white, shes got everything i need, some pills and a little cup, shes fallin hard for me, i can see it in her eyes, she acts just like a nurse, with all the other guys. A perfect cirlce song that has been stuck in my head for the last 3 days. But what ever its a good as hell song.
Matt

Current Mood: excited
Current Music: A perfect circle

ouch...
Was over at jared last night. Did a little drinking... well alot of drinking ha ha. Me and my buddy matt pervis were play fighting in the kitchen. Just throwin little body shots at eachother and what not just goofing around. i stepped in with my right foot twards him to hit him in the stomach (not hard we were just messin around) but since we were drunk of course it went bed. as i stepped in with my right matt had acctualy just wound up with his right hand to throw a punch. since we were both drunk we werent all that accurate. well he ended up hitting me square in the mouth. The thing was is he threw the punch full force and i stepped into it like an idiot. wasnt really expecting a punch in the face since we were just messin around. But i got hit good and hard. His momentum+my momentum= very very solid punch. split my top lip right open. and put my tooth through my bottom lip. so now i look like bubba from forest gump. my bottom lip is about the size of a big green grape. doent really hurt all that bad its just really inconvienient. of course every girl at the party was freaking out and wanting to take me to the hospital ha ha. the only time i was worried at all was when the shock wore off and my vision started to black out. Like you know when you are in a hot tub for to long and when you get out your vision gets covered by a million little black dots but they go away really fast. well thats what happend only i didnt start to go away it just got darker and darker. (this was all like 5 mins after i was hit) but i just sat down and focused and it went away. so now i got two fat lips and a hole just below my bottom lip from my tooth. but no hangover hell yeah haha. well once the swelling goes down i will be able to talk normal again. anyways thats all for now.
Matt

hmmm...
Whats new whats new. well since things arent going so hot up here. I might be going back down to AZ to finish off my intern ship and maybe just live for a while. the grey skys and rain are starting to depress me so i knida need to get away from that. and my internship isnt going very good. but there is a teacher down in az who owns his own studio and gives cras students like me as much time as they want. And then i am gonna take some what of a break. I am just gonna do my own thing. Not what everyone esle wants me to do. But what i want to do. I am gonna just work some lame ass job like delivering pizzas or somthin for a couple of years and just live down there. No big worrys or concerns. Just hangin out doin my dumb job and partying on the weekends while i save up money for my project studio. for as much as i love washingtons scenery and landscapes i hate its people. Bunch of stuck up yupiee assholes. and the best part is my buddy david might come with me which would be totaly badass cause we have known eachother since like 6th grade. but its not a huge concern whether he comes with or not cause i got people who care about me and miss me down there anyways. well thats all for now i willl let you know if things change.
Matt

Current Mood: calm
Current Music: smashing pumpkins

I believe in your purpose baby
Coming up to the surface and maybe
I'll never see you again then again who knows
Make me quiver hands will shiver
Still got all the things that i woulda give her
Yeah, yeah but it's slow going
Something's showing yeah, yeah

Love is a stream that will find it's own course
Making due is a thing a thing i will do no more

Whenever you come back i'll be waiting
Trifling the slack no head gating
This is all pure fiction you know that's right
Just pure fiction that's all right

I believe in your purpose baby
Coming up to the surface and maybe
I'll never see you again then again who knows
Make me quiver hands will shiver
Still got all the things that i woulda give her
But it's slow going something's showing
Yeah, yeah

Jobs...
So i am pretty sure that everyone who reads this has applied for a job before. Or tried to get one. And you know that little bit of nervouseness you get righht before you walk in the door to ask for an application, or when you are about to go in for an interview at some new place. I want you to take that and multiply it. Multiply it untill it hits the point of the nervouseness you would have if you were about to give a speach on hippos or somthing to 300 hippo experts. and to top it all off you only know about as much as the average Joe about hippos. Then you get to the level of anxiety/stress i have just before i walk into a place for an interview or even just to ask for an application. Now i am not sure. But i am guessing this is not normal. Now here is my problem. I have no idea what so ever how to deal with this. I used to lie to my mom about going to job interviews that i never went to because i was so scared. I acctualy lied to everyone about it. Not a soul on earth other than me and the guy that was supposed to interview me that day knew about it. Because i was ashamed. I pride myself so much on my conqureing of my fears and my personal strength that to have some fear as stupid and worthless as this haunting me was a discrace to me. Like with my interview at reflekt records. i showed up a little bit early. and jeff wasnt there yet. i acctualy got in my car and drove down drauvis back to 15th so i could go home before i made myself turn around and go back. And you know what the best part is. The dude had already told me on the phone that i pretty much had the job. And i was still that scared. What the hell am i scared of. God i wish i knew. It could be a number of things. meeting a new person, the possiblity of rejection, having to prove myself, talking about myself, having to impress someone... i dont know what it is. all i know is i cant expect my mom to understand. she has some scewed view that if its easy for her it should be easy for everyone. well she has no problem going in for interviews or stuff like that so why the hell should i? I mean just because she has herself and the world figured out, and has alot of self confidence, doesnt mean that everyone else does. But in her head damn it they should. she just wants so much from me that i get totaly overwhelmed with her expectations, then i get depressed, then i lose my motivation, and she acctually ends up with only a small bit of my potential. Its like this cycle that keeps on happening. she wants somthing from me, i realize that i wont be able to deliver it to the magnitude that she wants, that makes me feel bad and worthless, so i get depressed, which in turn makes me tired and not want to do anything, so then she gets so little potential from me. I dunno. i feel better after geting all this out into the air though.
Matt

hmmm...
do you ever wish there was somthing more for you? or maybe just somthing different lined up? did you ever want to change some things about your life but realize that to do so you would have to change everything? do you ever have to wonder who you are? do you ever think that you were meant for somthing different, but dont know what that is? do you ever think that you are the only person that ever has or ever will truley know you? have you even found out who you are yet? did you ever feel that the only way you can feel whole is if you have some body? I hate the way things are going right now. i am trying not to think of the stress. Unlike most people i only wear my mood on my sleave when i want to. so no one around me would have any idea how freaking worried/stressed/scared/depressed/misserable i have over the last couple of months. I am going to fail school if somthing doesnt happen and happen fast. I have gotten into the studio twice since i have been home. i have 17 intern hours. by now i should have around 200. I am going to apply like crazy to different places and hope i get somthing. and even once i do it isnt over. because now i have to work my freakin ass off to play catchup because the asshole at the conservatory did nothing but throw me horrible advice. If he had given me the go ahead to look for somthing new a month ago i probably wouldnt be in this situation. but of course for him to do that would mean for him to do his job. and god forbid that ever happen. i worked my freaking ass off for 7 months. I pulled a 3.7 after holding a 4.0 for 6 months. that was already disapointing enough. and now to fail school because of thier fuck up. they will have no idea of the shit storm i will bring to thier door.

I am tired
I am tied of being Mr nice guy. I am tied of giving a fuck about what other people think and feel. I am tied of caring. i am tired of waiting. I am tired of anything and everything. I am annoyed by everyones ingnorance. i am annoyed by this country. I am tired of letting people walk on me and not doing anything about it so they dont get mad at me. I am tired of letting people talk shit about me and not doing anything. I liked myself in AZ i hate myself in WA. I am tired of not likeing myself. I am tied of not having friends. I dont want to worry i dont want to care. Right now i hate it all. I hate everything and everyone around me. I am tired of watching this world tear its self aprat just because they cant accept other peoples ideals. So mother fuckin what if some one has different belifes than you. thats no reason to not be friends or to hate some one. muslim jew christain black white asain hispanic what ever the fuck you are. we are all the same. we all feel joy, we all feel pain. we all are made of the same organs and blood. so shut the fuck up. I am so tired of this being nice bullshit most of all. Its goten me no where. i have nothing to show for being nice. I got maybe two people i can call friends. everyone else just fuckin uses me. I am fuckin pissed off about where i am right now. I am fuckin pissed off about how things have gone since school. I am in danger of being droped because of greg the fuck ass intern mother fucker who can suck my dick. I worked my ass off there to have some asshole that wont do his job fuck it up for me. I am tired of girls bullshit excuses for not wanting to date me. fuckin just tell me the truth. if you really jsut dont like me say so. if you think i am ugly say so. if we didnt connect on that level fuckin say so. Just quit with the god damn movie lines already. I dont know if i have ever been myself because i dont know what myself is. I am tired of being no one, or having no one. I am tied of being sad. i am tired of trying to be happy. I am tied of no one understanding me. I am tired of looking at life and knowing this isnt what was meant to be. spend a 4th of your life learing to work. spend the next 2/4ths working your ass off at some job you hate. then spend the last 4th shitting your pants not being able to do anything but lay in bed and wait for death to take you. I am gonna do everything in my power to make sure that my life is anything but fuckin ordinary. I hope to never have a death bed. i want to die on my feet. i am tied of writing this entry.
Matt

Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: bleeding through

LOOK OUT!!! RUN!!!! HIDE!!!!...
Lifes around the corner... I catch myself very often being frusterated by my own and other peoples fears of life. People who are affraid of love because they dont want to be hurt. people who are affraid of comitment because they dont want to be tied down incase somthing better comes thier way. people who are affraid of social setting because they think no one will like them. people afraid to try new things cause they think they might not like it. how do you live a happy or sucessful life when your fears rule you? its ok to be affraid from time to time. but put that fear into somthing that will acctualy hurt you. be affraid of big ass bears or sharks but dont fear the woods or the water, because both have such great things to offer. Its ok to be affraid of falling in love with the wrong person. But to be affraid of falling in love bcause you are affraid of the hurt that may come in the end is stupid. Yeah it hurts, and it sucks, but its worth it. i mean you would have had to feel really good to feel that bad right? so isnt it awsome that somthing could make you feel that good? somthing that isnt a drug? somthing thats real? and yet i talk to people all the time that fear love for its possible end consiquences. People who go into relationships already waiting for the inevitable break up. Yeah if you think the break ups inevitable then it sure as hell will be.
Matt

So scared...
everyones worried now that bush is pres again. I hate him i think he is a shitty person and a horrible president. And his second term in office could very well mean a very crappy end to our country. but to be honest i am not to worried. cause anything bad that happens i dont really think will happen to me directly. I will just experience the aftermath and mayhem brought on by what ever it may be. i almost hope that somthing happens. the fact that that many people in america are dumb enough/brain washed enough to vote for bush means to me that this country no longer deserves to be. i have lost all hope for this country and the people in it. in my mind we are now a nation of idiots impressed by shiny things. a man who owns an oil company has attacked a country with the largest oil reserve in the world did not do it for oil? No matt he does it because he cares about iraqies. Is that why he killed 100,000 inoccent iraqies during the bombing and his oil company is now at the iraqi oil reserves waiting to export the oil? well we all know that at least he attacked afghanistan with good intent right? i mean it couldnt have been for the giant natural gas pipeline that Dick Channeys company halvoerten is building that goes from afghanistan through iraq and out to the coast to be exported to america could it? no because money is never a driving force in anyones motives. The thing that makes me the most angery is the media though. you ask most people to describe baghdad before the attacks. and they will tell you it was a war torn city with troops and tanks every where and bombed out buildings and dead people in the streets. not at all. i have seen footage of baghdad just hours before the attacks. ITS A NORMAL CITY. kids playing on playgrounds people having coffee at a coffee shop people shopping at the local market. anyone who voted for bush I have no sympathy for you what so ever. if your family dies in one of the highly probable terrorist attacks. i see it as eye for an eye. we killed those peoples families because of who thier leader was (but mostly just to get a lot of money for the oil). So now our families shall be killed in return. The death of a nation brought on by one man.
Matt

Ive got something to say...
I am so FUCKING TIRED of christians. and i am not talking about people who go to church or worship god. I am talking about what i like to call christian extremeists. people who wear the fucking cross like a crown. talk so much about god. but miss the whole point all together. they think because they have read one motherfucking book they got the whole thing figured out. but they couldnt be further from the truth. It in my book is a form of blasphemy to say that some one is going to go to hell. because who is the ultimate decider of who get to go to heaven or hell? who in the end makes the final decsion? God. and you are now passing judgements for him? that is not your fucking job. Further more. discriminating against some one because they do not choose the same religiouse path as you shows that you totaly and completely missed every point of the fucking bible. The point off the bible is to be a good person. To love everyone because they are all childeren of god just like you. We are all brothers and sisters wether we be black white asain hispanic gay straight jewish buddhist a member of heavens gate. it doesnt fucking matter what you are. god loves everyone the same. and he will be there for everyone the same. yes some people are misguided. some people were brought up with different belifes. that is no reason to hate them. Do i believe in a higher being i am not sure. do i believe there is a god i dont know. these are conclusions i have not yet drawn. but shit i see it better than some people who have been going to church thier whole life. you are not better than me because you are christian. and any christain who thinks that is so misguided it hurts me. try to talk to christians about different belifes. try to talk about your belifes. you will find you get a brick wall. they wont listen to a word you have to say. or try to see the validity in it. do not blindly follow pastors and reverends. they are people to and have just as much possiblity for mistakes and corruption as the rest of us. and yet you trust your souls to them? dont let your faith close your mind off to the world. dont let your faith close your mind off to suggestions. if you are truley faithful then you will understand that no one is truley wrong and that nobody is truely right. god is not going to send people to hell for not being christain. just because they were brought up different. they were brought up to believe somthing different that isnt there fault. because of that they have to spend an eternity in pain and suffereing? an all knowing all loving god would send one of his own childeren to the worst place in all of every where. were he/she will be totured for infitity. just because they werent brought up as a christian? could you do that to one of your childeren? if this is true... then i dont want anything to do with that god. and if i go to hell so be it. i dont want to be a part of somthing that would do that to people just because they werent in the right circumstance.
Matt

Nice guys finish last...
This isnt a rant about one person in paticular. I am more than happy to be your friend. This is just a very general observation that i have made over the years. And the saying is so true. Nice guys really do finish last. Jared has GF's more often then me. And he is a total asshole to them all. Calls them names on a more than regular basis. and its not like dork or somthing. Its like hey you stupid bitch what the hell is your problem. When they do somthing as simple as take his last cigarette or somthing. I am very nice. I am considerate. I am understanding. I listen. I want to help when ever possible. I think i am attractive enough. I hear what girls say they want all the time. And all i can think is "thats totaly me" but when i try to show them thats how i am. All they want is my friendship. It just doesnt make sense. why are the abusive egotistical noncaring assholes the only ones that can get girls? I mean crap i bent over backwards for rachelle. I went to church with her and her family on sundays when she lived 45 mins away meaning i had to wake up at 5 am. I had to be interviewed by her parents before i could date her. I took her to dinner and movies. I respected her wish to not have sex the entire time we dated which is hard when your not a virgin anymore. I put up with her parents telling me things like if i and my family didnt get more involved in church we were all gonna go to hell. and she broke up with me. for reasons unknown still to this day. Its like what the hell am i doing wrong. should i just start being an asshole? should i act like i can give to shits wether or not a girl lives or dies. should i go out a join some whine rock group. cause it seems you have to be an extreme to get a gf anymore. you either have to be a complete and total asshole or a complete pussy to be attractive or dating material. I am now on my 15th time yes thats right 15th time of pursuing a girl. doing everything she could ever want and more if given the chance. and all she wants is to be my friend? In arizona i was fighting the girls off with a stick. and as soon as i get back here. I am luky if i can even talk to one on the phone. so please if you know whats wrong with me let me know so i can fix it and end this shit. if i am to tall or my hairs to short or i am to fat or if i dont listen to the right kinda music or if girls in general dont like guys who will be nice to them. then tell me. cause you girls send so many damn mixed signals out that its really really hard. you say you want one thing but you go after the oposite.
Matt

L O G
Now you've got something to die for.
Infidel, Imperial
Lust for blood, a blind crusade
Apocalyptic, we count the days.
Bombs to set the people free, blood to feed the dollar tree
Flags for coffins on the screen, oil for the machine
Army of liberation, gunpoint indoctrination
The fires of sedition
Fulfill the prophecy.
Now you've got something to die for.
Send the childrean to the fire, sons and daugthers stack the pyre
Stoke the flame of the empire, live to lie another day
Face of hypocrisy, raping the democracy
Apocalyptic, we count the days.
We'll never get out of this hole until we've dug our own grave
And drug the rest down with us, the burning home of the brave
Burn.
Now you've got something to die for.

Its all good...
At first i was kinda disappointed in being home. But i had alot of fun yesterday. Hung out with bree for a while. then mixed a song did some dishes. then i hung out with jared and matt pervis. then colin and i walked around down town edmonds. then i watched a dumb movie with a hot girl. and it became very aparent to me that i want a relationship really bad. bad enough to the point that i am probably gonna fuck things up like i always do ha ha. i dunno if any of you have ever been there before. but damn it i want a gf. i have wanted one for like what has it been 3 years now since me and rachelle broke up. all i had in az is "fuck buddies". thats not what i want. i want some one i can hang out with on a regular basis. cuddle up and watch movies with. go out to dinner with. i want to spoil some one. i want to take her to banbridge island and show her all the places i used to hang out. i want to go to the zoo and sneak a kiss in on her in the nocternal house. I want a damn girl friend. is that to much to ask?
Matt

fuck Fuck FUCK....
wow way to much shit has gone wrong way to fast. I feel like i am on a bad luck streak. Let me see hear. yesterday morning looked at my bank account. said i had 537 bucks. i was like sweet. i have plenty for the rest of the week. seeing as how i only need 400 to get home. so i went to the grocery store and got some stuff. bought some smokes. checked my bank account around 5 and now i suddenly had 343 dollars. turns out a bunch of bank transaction i made like 2 weeks ago just suddenly went through. so now i need to find a way to get like 100 dollars before i leave. or me and mike will have to be on an extremely tight budget. like sleep in the car and only eat mc donalds. Then i found out at about 11pm that saturday was the day i was supposed to do my D room mix which was a 100 point assignment. but i have gone the last 2 weeks thinking it was sunday from 145 to 3pm. so i just craped 100 points away cause i didnt bother to just fucking double check. so i also fucked away my 4.0. now the best i can do is a 3.9 if i am lucky. and now i have no leeway on the finals i have to take next week. I hate it when the only person i can be pissed at is myself. cause i am very fucking pissed right now.
Matt

being drunk is bad...
so i did somthing dumb last night. got totaly shit canned with greg. then we all smoked pot. then ashlee called me. and i dumbly invited her over. she hung out with us for like 2 hours. then i wanted to go to bed. so i sent every one home. and asked ashlee if she wanted to stay over with me. she said no she would rather sleep in her own bed (i dont blame her i was destroyed drunk and she wasnt). so i got all pissy when she said no. then i sent her a text message some what accuseing her of seeing other guys behind my back. seemed like the right thing to do at the time. but now i feel like an ass. and i woke up at 5 am and havent been able to go back to sleep. so now i get to do some explaining which is always fun. well anyways i am gonna try and go to sleep.
matt

...
I am so tired of these damn lows i keep hitting. where its just like nothing helps. i cant do anything to feel better. i just have to deal with feeling bad. and there is no reason to be depressed right now. but of course for no reason i am. you know i dont mind being sad if its for a reason. cause at least then you have somthing to attach your sadness to. but when it just happens its almost worse. cause you dont know what to do. you just feel bad. i mean i had ashlee here lastnight, and not even she was making me feel better. and she is one of the only people i have been close to out here. i know i should probably be on some sort of medication. but i am not much for medicine. i mean i feel this way and it sucks. but thats part of me. part of me is a screwed up manic depressent. but the lows have been hitting more frequently. back in washington i would get them like once every few months. now i am getting them 2 to 3 times a month. couldnt have come at a worse time either. cause when i get like this i dont want to do anything at all. but right now i have tons to do. I dunno times like these i could really use some one to talk to. but it always happens late at night when everyone is asleep.
matt

stress sucks...
School has become sooooo stressful. I hate it. last night i was at school untill 5 am and the night before that i was at school till 3 am. I got TONNS of tests to worry about. as well as all the shit that comes with moving out. I need to pack and clean but i dont have time cause i have school shit i have to do all the time. heres what these last weeks look like. today i have a proficiancy tuesday i have to mix from 3am to 9am for my session. friday i have to do the live sound final mix for 100 points that sunday i have to do the d room mix then that last week i have final test everyday except for thursday. and on top of all of that i need to spend time with ashlee and get ready to move out. I know it might not sound like much. but i want to keep my 4.0 so that means i dont get to slack off one bit. I am just looking foreward to the weekend. I am not gonna do anything that isnt relaxing or fun. so hopefuly i will be rested up and ready to work my ass off the next couple of weeks.
Matt

Advertisement